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I want to post, but I don't know that I have anything to say. Or maybe I just don't know what I want to say. So, I'm just going to ramble and maybe some of it will make sense, but that's unlikely because a) it's 3AM, b) I'm on a strict diet of cupcakes and cold medicine, and c) I've only slept about 3 hours in the past 36.

Life is short. There's a 35 year old woman on our floor tonight taking her last breaths. It's tragic and it's horrible and it could happen to any of us. My mom died a month ago today. (I can't believe it's been a month.) She was only 60, and the last 7 years of her life were lost to her due to her illness.

Life is short.

Life is short and I feel like I'm wasting it. Wasting precious time. I'm so lazy, lazy all the time. I don't do anything I should be doing. And it's not even good laziness, like instead of vacuuming I decide to read a good book on my porch. Because reading a good book when one should be vacuuming is definitely what life is all about. But I mean, I just lie around, half sleeping, watching television I'm only moderately interested in, mindlessly refreshing my various social networking pages. And I can't stand it, I can't stand a single second of it because I should be doing something. I should be working toward my dreams, doing something to work toward my goals, or at least should be spending my time being actively happy. Not just sitting around.

The more I sit around the more I just can't stand myself or my life. And I get stressed because that to-do list doesn't get any smaller. And more people contact me and I don't respond and then the list of people I am letting down just gets longer. And it's like the more sedentary and lazy I am the harder it is to do anything. And I just need to put a stop to it before it gets any more aggressive. (And I need to stop starting sentences with the word 'and'.)

So, right now I have a terrible cold. I feel like crap and have for a couple days now. I have a growing pile of tissues next to the keyboard, and my nose is about to fall off, because let me tell you the hospital toiletries are indeed made of shards of glass and sandpaper. I can't go to trapeze in the morning, and I shouldn't. I need to get better because I need to not feel like shit when I'm actually motivated to get off my lazy ass. So when I get out of here in 4 hours I'm going to bed. I'm sleeping as long as my body needs me to sleep, and then I'm done with this pathetic existence I've been getting on with.

Seize the day, people. Carpe diem.

It's trite, I know, but damnit... life is short.

Okay, I'm done rambling and my 4AM meds aren't going to dispense themselves. Later, skaterz.


( 6 beeps — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
Sep. 13th, 2010 05:48 am (UTC)
I feel the same way. I'm stuck in a rut and I can't get out. I want to read, write, do something with myself, make connections with people, but I feel so empty and alone. I feel like a shell of myself, going through the motions. I don't remember what it means to be happy. Every time I start to feel happy something nags at the back of my mind, brings me back down. Then comes the guilt. I am gone so many hours a day. I am tired and have work to do when I get home. I don't feel like I contribute to my family. So many people I am losing touch with. I don't do anything in the house and instead of being strong and independent in the face of adversity I am cowering and asking people to do stupid remedial things for me. I feel weak and broken. Everything I enjoyed: cooking, being with my husband, reading, writing, playing video games, exercising, etc. It's all gone.

I've tried to fill the emptiness. I signed up for a trapeze class (which is why I stopped by your page because you inspired me), I joined a writing group, I found a Harry Potter live action rp, I've gone hiking and on a lovely short vacation, and yet I can't break through. It's like I'm me trapped behind glass and I don't know how to break out.
Sep. 15th, 2010 04:39 am (UTC)
*hugs* I hope you're able to break out soon. I think the fact that you haven't stopped trying is a good sign. Nothing lasts forever and I feel like this funk can't either. *sending you good thoughts*

Tell me about this trapeze class!
Sep. 13th, 2010 03:17 pm (UTC)
I know WAY too well how you're feeling, and what you mean. I have trouble with this, too. But you know what? Sometimes this is a way of your body and mind telling you that you NEEDED to sit around and let things turn off, just for awhile. When you start feeling like you can't be like that anymore, "vacation" is over and you're ready to tackle life anew. Don't berate yourself for taking downtime that it sounds like you really needed, sweetness.
Sep. 15th, 2010 04:37 am (UTC)
That's true. We all need to allow ourselves breaks from time to time.
Sep. 17th, 2010 11:59 am (UTC)
I can completely resonate with you. I do many of the same things. What I am going to say next is what I try to do myself and I am not perfect at it but I want to pass it on, in case it helps.

The best advice I can give you is to start small and build on it everyday. If you want to read a good book promise yourself 20 minutes everyday that is just for reading. Make tiny goals for yourself (do dishes, play with Lola, the reading example from above, etc) that you can accomplish. Once a day (typically before you go to bed) write down a list of tasks you want/need to accomplish the next day. When you wake up, rank them in importance and then try and accomplish them. The ones you don't finish can go on the next day's list. As you start to see yourself accomplishing tasks it'll start to spur you in a different direction and before you know it you'll have larger items on your lists.

The last thing I'll mention is trying to stay positive despite all of life's bullshit. Try waking up everyday saying "Today IS a great day" and then write down a few things your thankful for everyday. It won't work overnight but after a few months of doing it myself. My entire mentality began to change and life got a little easier to deal with.

I hope this helps Laura, if you need anything let me know.
Oct. 2nd, 2010 04:52 am (UTC)
You give good advice, sir.
( 6 beeps — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
nurse. leo. attention whore. punk rock princess. flexitarian. space case. deltasig. browncoat. fangirl. professional bridesmaid. lover. geek. only child. dreamer. former market researcher. aerialist. uconn husky. internet addict. twentysomething. enfp/j. crazy cat lady. gryffindor. bohemian. new england gangsta. democrat. narcissist. daughter. friend.

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