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I don't sleep anymore. I mean, not really. Sure, I lie in bed at night, I close my eyes. Sometimes I even pass out, maybe around 3AM or so, only to wake up a few hours later, usually feeling disoriented and unrested.

And I have nightmares. Terrible and vivid nightmares. Nightmares about trachs and chemo and about people being horrible, or dying. And they're so real, sometimes it takes a while to wake up from them. On Father's Day, the morning after I found out my favorite patient had passed, I just kept hitting the snooze button, thinking that if I just kept hitting it, eventually I'd wake up to a different reality and they'd all be alive again.

Of course, sometimes the nightmares aren't nightmares at all, but they're incredible wonderful dreams, equally as vivid, but amazing. But therein waking up becomes the nightmare when I realize it was all just a dream.

I don't want to sleep anymore, like even try. What's the point? I hate going to bed. I hate waking up. Sleep, when it comes, is terrifying. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't wait to switch to the night shift because maybe, when it's light out, climbing into bed alone won't be so painful.

I have to be at work in 4 hours. Later, skaterz.


( 10 beeps — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
Jun. 30th, 2010 01:10 pm (UTC)
Maybe I'll join you
I too cannot sleep without terrible dreams and memories. In my dreams she is alive, but there in the hospital, as that memory is etched in my head.....If only we could go back...years ago to before all this started and change it's course....well then I guess I'd be a miracle worker. Some people tell me in their infinate wisdom that this will get better. HA! is all I have to say to them.
Jul. 1st, 2010 03:35 am (UTC)
Re: Maybe I'll join you
Don't other people seem to be full of infinite wisdom? I find it to be annoying, and most often, not terribly wise.

Jun. 30th, 2010 01:46 pm (UTC)

*snuggles you*

I wish I knew how to help. When I was going through something similar, I took sleeping aids to make sure I didn't dream...or at least didn't remember the dreams. That's all the advice I've got. I can't even imagine what you're going through, and I just hope it passes soon.

*more hugs*

If there's ever ANYTHING I can do to help, let me know, luv.
Jul. 1st, 2010 03:36 am (UTC)
Thank you. *hugs* I miss you, btw!
Jul. 1st, 2010 02:42 pm (UTC)
I miss you, too! We're going to have to plan some sort of girls' getaway sometime, because I haven't seen Certain Folk in forever!

Jul. 5th, 2010 03:42 am (UTC)
Jun. 30th, 2010 02:03 pm (UTC)
Jul. 1st, 2010 03:36 am (UTC)
Jun. 30th, 2010 03:47 pm (UTC)
Someone who works in an industry like you needs a million medals for doing this. You give people life and care, even in their darkest time,s you are a light of joy and compassion at a weakest moment. Hang in there chica. Hang in there.
Jul. 1st, 2010 03:37 am (UTC)
I'm trying!
( 10 beeps — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
nurse. leo. attention whore. punk rock princess. flexitarian. space case. deltasig. browncoat. fangirl. professional bridesmaid. lover. geek. only child. dreamer. former market researcher. aerialist. uconn husky. internet addict. twentysomething. enfp/j. crazy cat lady. gryffindor. bohemian. new england gangsta. democrat. narcissist. daughter. friend.

just me.

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