There are times when I think I've accepted the fact that he's gone, reasoned with it and not so much made sense of it, but made peace with it. And there are times like this when I wonder if I've even come close to that, when I feel like I've been living in denial for the last 11 months, that I've pushed it all to the back of my mind. It's not that I don't think about it. I do, all the time, but I don't think I really ever contemplate just how not there he's going to be for the rest of my life. I don't think I can because that's when I shut down and can barely even breathe.
Maybe it's denial, but maybe it's self preservation, but whatever it is, it's so lonely. I just feel so incredibly alone sometimes. Don't tell me I'm not alone, DON'T. I know I'm surrounded by amazing friends, you don't need to remind me of that. I know you're all there and I love you for it, just don't tell me I'm not feeling what I'm feeling because then I'll have to smile and be placating and thank you for reminding me I'm not alone. And I don't want to do that, because I feel all alone and if you're just going to remind me that I'm not, it just makes me feel worse about how I'm feeling, so just don't.
Yes, the timestamp on this is accurate. And I think I'm just not going to bed. It feels like the only way I might be a productive member of society tomorrow, as ironic and backwards as it sounds. It's just a few emails I've been meaning to send and a few tasks I've been meaning to accomplish, and if I can just do those tomorrow I know I'll feel so much better. Maybe I can erase how miserable these last two days have been. I just need to shake how I'm feeling right this very moment, but I don't know how.