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Today was miserable. Whenever I was comfortably indoors it was sunny and beautiful but whenever I went outside it was raining and disgusting. And I didn't have an umbrella. I guess that was kind of a perfect metaphor for my day. I hate the rain, but today the sun kind of annoyed me just as much as the rain did. Lately I've been itching for winter. Somehow when it gets dark early and it's cold outside I can give myself permission to curl up in bed with a book or a movie and just relax. I guess my mood has just been more wintery than summery lately.

EB left today for Leicester, England for six months. I left work in the middle of the day to bring him to the airport and spent a couple hours with him. His flight got switched and then delayed and then delayed some more so I went back after work and spent some more time with him. I had been looking forward to a lovely evening of pilates and then drowning my sorrows in Project Runway and a pint of Ben & Jerry's, so that didn't happen. We did go to Friendly's though so there was ice cream involved. I can't believe I'm not going to see him again until November. I've known this was coming for quite some time, but I think I thought it wouldn't be as hard. I really can't think about not seeing him for that long because it kind of just breaks my heart. I know that it will be okay, but right now it just sucks.

Also, the insurance check officially posted to my bank account today. I mean, yay! but at the same time, it just makes it all so final. Like horribly, horribly final. Just seeing it in my account makes me want to burst into tears. I managed to quickly dispose of $17,000 of it paying off debts. Which didn't make me feel any better about it. Neither did quickly spending another $968 of it. I shoved most of the rest of it into a random savings account I rarely touch so I don't have to look at it. I don't want this to hurt as much as it does, but I don't want it not to either. I'm not looking forward to another first without him on Monday either.

I feel like my birthday is going to be more pathetic than usual this year. I just always wind up feeling kind of ignored, I don't know. I think I'm a baby. I get way too pissed off about things I shouldn't even let bother me. I'm an attention whore and a baby.

Birthday or not, this weekend I'd really like to wipe out the ever-growing list of tasks piling up on my "Overdue!" list in Hiveminder. I haven't been particularly productive in a while. I need to feel like less of a lump if I want to get out of this funk. I'll really hate myself more than I can possibly describe if I don't get up and go to the gym in the morning, so I should probably go to bed. Maybe I'll be less emo tomorrow. Later, skaterz.

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firynze
Aug. 7th, 2008 03:06 pm (UTC)
*big hugs*
wolfsavard
Aug. 8th, 2008 02:17 am (UTC)
*hugs*
nurse. leo. attention whore. punk rock princess. flexitarian. space case. deltasig. browncoat. fangirl. professional bridesmaid. lover. geek. only child. dreamer. former market researcher. aerialist. uconn husky. internet addict. twentysomething. enfp/j. crazy cat lady. gryffindor. bohemian. new england gangsta. democrat. narcissist. daughter. friend.

just me.

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