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Life goes on, but I'm gone...

I should be studying right now, just like I should've been for the past few days. But I just can't start. Every time I try to be productive I just feel like a failure or just can't even start. *sigh*

Friday sucked a lot, but not nearly as much as I thought it would, mostly because I have so many incredible people who care about me. So many people came to the funeral just to support me... friends, friends' parents, friends I didn't even expect to see there, fraternity brothers, co-workers, family... it was incredible. I've gotten more sympathy cards than I have Christmas cards. The most uplifting card I received was given to me yesterday by two of my coworkers. They passed a card around the office for everyone to sign and they collected donations for the American Cancer Society which totaled to nearly $400. I was so awestruck and humbled when I opened it. It was a lot of mixed emotions mailing that donation in memory of my father.

It's awkward being back at work though or around large groups of friends. I kind of feel like I'm wearing some scarlet letter that says that my dad died, and that's all people see or think about. And it's kind of oppressive. Like I said, I get all these sympathy cards and people asking how I'm doing and if I'm okay and offering condolences and half the time I feel like it just makes me really angry or frustrated, like I'd rather just not have the constant reminder. And other times I almost get offended if others aren't constantly thinking about it, like if someone says they had a crappy day or need to be cheered up, I think, "yeah, I bet your day really sucked, poor baby" and then I feel like a self-absorbed asshole. I just feel like any emotion I feel these days just really doesn't feel right.

And also, the worst time of day is coming home from work. I almost couldn't do it yesterday, I didn't want to leave. I almost always called him on my way home from work. Now that fifteen minute drive feels like it takes an eternity... I almost can't even handle it. I like can't handle going to school and actually trying to do well, because I know that he won't be there to call to tell him how I did on my test. But at the same time if I gave up and just quit I would feel like the most epic failure of all time and I would not be able to live with myself. I just feel so conflicted in every way possible right now and I just need to buck up and find some sort of inner strength, which honestly I think has been completely depleted at this point, and get through these finals and at least pull off 85s on both of them. Seriously, pray for me.

So I guess I haven't been a total waste... all my Christmas cards are out and just about all of my shopping is done except for one or two things. Decorations are all up. Ooh, and I FINALLY finished reading The Golden Compass. It started out really horribly and I wasn't at all impressed, but it got a little more interesting by the end. I'm still a little meh about the whole thing, but I think I'm interested enough to give The Subtle Knife a shot. I need to take a break though... Pullman's writing style kind of grates on my nerves. I didn't realize how much I didn't enjoy it until, upon finsihing I immediately picked up American Gods and felt myself give a sigh of relief of how much... I don't know, easier? it was. Anyway, I think it's extremely doubtful that I'll finish American Gods before the end of the year, but who knows.

What I should be doing right now is studying... just got to remember how to breathe again first. Later, skaterz.


Dec. 12th, 2007 02:33 pm (UTC)
I know, dear, and I love you too. <3
nurse. leo. attention whore. punk rock princess. flexitarian. space case. deltasig. browncoat. fangirl. professional bridesmaid. lover. geek. only child. dreamer. former market researcher. aerialist. uconn husky. internet addict. twentysomething. enfp/j. crazy cat lady. gryffindor. bohemian. new england gangsta. democrat. narcissist. daughter. friend.

just me.

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