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Life goes on, but I'm gone...

I should be studying right now, just like I should've been for the past few days. But I just can't start. Every time I try to be productive I just feel like a failure or just can't even start. *sigh*

Friday sucked a lot, but not nearly as much as I thought it would, mostly because I have so many incredible people who care about me. So many people came to the funeral just to support me... friends, friends' parents, friends I didn't even expect to see there, fraternity brothers, co-workers, family... it was incredible. I've gotten more sympathy cards than I have Christmas cards. The most uplifting card I received was given to me yesterday by two of my coworkers. They passed a card around the office for everyone to sign and they collected donations for the American Cancer Society which totaled to nearly $400. I was so awestruck and humbled when I opened it. It was a lot of mixed emotions mailing that donation in memory of my father.

It's awkward being back at work though or around large groups of friends. I kind of feel like I'm wearing some scarlet letter that says that my dad died, and that's all people see or think about. And it's kind of oppressive. Like I said, I get all these sympathy cards and people asking how I'm doing and if I'm okay and offering condolences and half the time I feel like it just makes me really angry or frustrated, like I'd rather just not have the constant reminder. And other times I almost get offended if others aren't constantly thinking about it, like if someone says they had a crappy day or need to be cheered up, I think, "yeah, I bet your day really sucked, poor baby" and then I feel like a self-absorbed asshole. I just feel like any emotion I feel these days just really doesn't feel right.

And also, the worst time of day is coming home from work. I almost couldn't do it yesterday, I didn't want to leave. I almost always called him on my way home from work. Now that fifteen minute drive feels like it takes an eternity... I almost can't even handle it. I like can't handle going to school and actually trying to do well, because I know that he won't be there to call to tell him how I did on my test. But at the same time if I gave up and just quit I would feel like the most epic failure of all time and I would not be able to live with myself. I just feel so conflicted in every way possible right now and I just need to buck up and find some sort of inner strength, which honestly I think has been completely depleted at this point, and get through these finals and at least pull off 85s on both of them. Seriously, pray for me.

So I guess I haven't been a total waste... all my Christmas cards are out and just about all of my shopping is done except for one or two things. Decorations are all up. Ooh, and I FINALLY finished reading The Golden Compass. It started out really horribly and I wasn't at all impressed, but it got a little more interesting by the end. I'm still a little meh about the whole thing, but I think I'm interested enough to give The Subtle Knife a shot. I need to take a break though... Pullman's writing style kind of grates on my nerves. I didn't realize how much I didn't enjoy it until, upon finsihing I immediately picked up American Gods and felt myself give a sigh of relief of how much... I don't know, easier? it was. Anyway, I think it's extremely doubtful that I'll finish American Gods before the end of the year, but who knows.

What I should be doing right now is studying... just got to remember how to breathe again first. Later, skaterz.

Comments

foreverseenstar
Dec. 12th, 2007 12:35 pm (UTC)
See and I feel like a huge bitch even mentioning my dad and his antics now. But like, at the same time, I know you don't like being asked if you're okay 4gajillion times over. So. Usually I just go with attempts at distraction. Such as singing the entire production of Rent via LJ comments. Heh.
athena2483
Dec. 12th, 2007 01:29 pm (UTC)
Yeah, and um having to leave on Friday to go back to NY to see my dad made me feel like the biggest ass ever. Any happiness I feel now makes me feel guilty, and any sadness makes me feel like a jerk because seriously, my boyfriend possibly breaking up with me can't possibly compare to what Laura's feeling. I wish I were in CT more so as to provide more distraction. And cookies.
wolfsavard
Dec. 12th, 2007 02:38 pm (UTC)
No no, you should not be going through these intense emotions, too. Don't ever feel like a jerk or guilty for feeling happy or sad. I do wish you could be in CT more though (even though for someone who lives in NYC you are here a lot) and I <3 cookies.
athena2483
Dec. 12th, 2007 07:39 pm (UTC)
<3
wolfsavard
Dec. 12th, 2007 02:40 pm (UTC)
Yeah, distractions are definitely good.
nurse. leo. attention whore. punk rock princess. flexitarian. space case. deltasig. browncoat. fangirl. professional bridesmaid. lover. geek. only child. dreamer. former market researcher. aerialist. uconn husky. internet addict. twentysomething. enfp/j. crazy cat lady. gryffindor. bohemian. new england gangsta. democrat. narcissist. daughter. friend.

just me.

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