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Life goes on, but I'm gone...

I should be studying right now, just like I should've been for the past few days. But I just can't start. Every time I try to be productive I just feel like a failure or just can't even start. *sigh*

Friday sucked a lot, but not nearly as much as I thought it would, mostly because I have so many incredible people who care about me. So many people came to the funeral just to support me... friends, friends' parents, friends I didn't even expect to see there, fraternity brothers, co-workers, family... it was incredible. I've gotten more sympathy cards than I have Christmas cards. The most uplifting card I received was given to me yesterday by two of my coworkers. They passed a card around the office for everyone to sign and they collected donations for the American Cancer Society which totaled to nearly $400. I was so awestruck and humbled when I opened it. It was a lot of mixed emotions mailing that donation in memory of my father.

It's awkward being back at work though or around large groups of friends. I kind of feel like I'm wearing some scarlet letter that says that my dad died, and that's all people see or think about. And it's kind of oppressive. Like I said, I get all these sympathy cards and people asking how I'm doing and if I'm okay and offering condolences and half the time I feel like it just makes me really angry or frustrated, like I'd rather just not have the constant reminder. And other times I almost get offended if others aren't constantly thinking about it, like if someone says they had a crappy day or need to be cheered up, I think, "yeah, I bet your day really sucked, poor baby" and then I feel like a self-absorbed asshole. I just feel like any emotion I feel these days just really doesn't feel right.

And also, the worst time of day is coming home from work. I almost couldn't do it yesterday, I didn't want to leave. I almost always called him on my way home from work. Now that fifteen minute drive feels like it takes an eternity... I almost can't even handle it. I like can't handle going to school and actually trying to do well, because I know that he won't be there to call to tell him how I did on my test. But at the same time if I gave up and just quit I would feel like the most epic failure of all time and I would not be able to live with myself. I just feel so conflicted in every way possible right now and I just need to buck up and find some sort of inner strength, which honestly I think has been completely depleted at this point, and get through these finals and at least pull off 85s on both of them. Seriously, pray for me.

So I guess I haven't been a total waste... all my Christmas cards are out and just about all of my shopping is done except for one or two things. Decorations are all up. Ooh, and I FINALLY finished reading The Golden Compass. It started out really horribly and I wasn't at all impressed, but it got a little more interesting by the end. I'm still a little meh about the whole thing, but I think I'm interested enough to give The Subtle Knife a shot. I need to take a break though... Pullman's writing style kind of grates on my nerves. I didn't realize how much I didn't enjoy it until, upon finsihing I immediately picked up American Gods and felt myself give a sigh of relief of how much... I don't know, easier? it was. Anyway, I think it's extremely doubtful that I'll finish American Gods before the end of the year, but who knows.

What I should be doing right now is studying... just got to remember how to breathe again first. Later, skaterz.

Comments

bellipotens
Dec. 12th, 2007 06:26 am (UTC)
I'd rather just not have the constant reminder. And other times I almost get offended if others aren't constantly thinking about it, like if someone says they had a crappy day or need to be cheered up, I think, "yeah, I bet your day really sucked, poor baby" and then I feel like a self-absorbed asshole.

I TOTALLY know how you feel. When my aunt passed away, I had the exact same feelings. I didn't want the constant reminders that she was gone, but at the same time, I didn't want anyone to forget about her and all the things she meant to me. Granted, we didn't live in the same house, but she was very much a parental figure to me. My friends treated me weird too, they knew she was like a second mom to me, so for a while, it was a lot of "how are you coping? Are you alright? Do you need to talk?" ALL - THE - DAMN - TIME. I was like, "NO! I need to get away from it!"

Escapism is my coping mechanism with...pretty much everything and that's when I started getting heavy into drugs and drinking more often. I completely understand the feeling though, even though the person I lost wasn't as close.

On a completely different note, I loved American Gods. It was a really enjoyable and challenging read. Gaiman is one of my absolute favourite authors.
wolfsavard
Dec. 12th, 2007 06:45 am (UTC)
I just feel like a completely unappreciative bitch because I know that everyone is just trying to help me and make me feel better, but I can't help these thoughts of they're just doing it to make themselves feel better and all the irritation. Why does grieving always have to be so complicated?

It's definitely challenging! I'm still plugging away at it... I have no idea what the fuck is really going on, but I'm hoping I'll catch on by the end of the book. :)
nurse. leo. attention whore. punk rock princess. flexitarian. space case. deltasig. browncoat. fangirl. professional bridesmaid. lover. geek. only child. dreamer. former market researcher. aerialist. uconn husky. internet addict. twentysomething. enfp/j. crazy cat lady. gryffindor. bohemian. new england gangsta. democrat. narcissist. daughter. friend.

just me.

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