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Life goes on, but I'm gone...

I should be studying right now, just like I should've been for the past few days. But I just can't start. Every time I try to be productive I just feel like a failure or just can't even start. *sigh*

Friday sucked a lot, but not nearly as much as I thought it would, mostly because I have so many incredible people who care about me. So many people came to the funeral just to support me... friends, friends' parents, friends I didn't even expect to see there, fraternity brothers, co-workers, family... it was incredible. I've gotten more sympathy cards than I have Christmas cards. The most uplifting card I received was given to me yesterday by two of my coworkers. They passed a card around the office for everyone to sign and they collected donations for the American Cancer Society which totaled to nearly $400. I was so awestruck and humbled when I opened it. It was a lot of mixed emotions mailing that donation in memory of my father.

It's awkward being back at work though or around large groups of friends. I kind of feel like I'm wearing some scarlet letter that says that my dad died, and that's all people see or think about. And it's kind of oppressive. Like I said, I get all these sympathy cards and people asking how I'm doing and if I'm okay and offering condolences and half the time I feel like it just makes me really angry or frustrated, like I'd rather just not have the constant reminder. And other times I almost get offended if others aren't constantly thinking about it, like if someone says they had a crappy day or need to be cheered up, I think, "yeah, I bet your day really sucked, poor baby" and then I feel like a self-absorbed asshole. I just feel like any emotion I feel these days just really doesn't feel right.

And also, the worst time of day is coming home from work. I almost couldn't do it yesterday, I didn't want to leave. I almost always called him on my way home from work. Now that fifteen minute drive feels like it takes an eternity... I almost can't even handle it. I like can't handle going to school and actually trying to do well, because I know that he won't be there to call to tell him how I did on my test. But at the same time if I gave up and just quit I would feel like the most epic failure of all time and I would not be able to live with myself. I just feel so conflicted in every way possible right now and I just need to buck up and find some sort of inner strength, which honestly I think has been completely depleted at this point, and get through these finals and at least pull off 85s on both of them. Seriously, pray for me.

So I guess I haven't been a total waste... all my Christmas cards are out and just about all of my shopping is done except for one or two things. Decorations are all up. Ooh, and I FINALLY finished reading The Golden Compass. It started out really horribly and I wasn't at all impressed, but it got a little more interesting by the end. I'm still a little meh about the whole thing, but I think I'm interested enough to give The Subtle Knife a shot. I need to take a break though... Pullman's writing style kind of grates on my nerves. I didn't realize how much I didn't enjoy it until, upon finsihing I immediately picked up American Gods and felt myself give a sigh of relief of how much... I don't know, easier? it was. Anyway, I think it's extremely doubtful that I'll finish American Gods before the end of the year, but who knows.

What I should be doing right now is studying... just got to remember how to breathe again first. Later, skaterz.


( 23 beeps — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
Dec. 12th, 2007 06:06 am (UTC)
::found the Golden Compass much easier than American Gods, didnt enjoy American Gods that much because it was hard... but also put off reading The Subtle Knife after I finished The Golden Compass because it was so tricky::
Dec. 12th, 2007 06:24 am (UTC)
Sentence for sentence I feel like American Gods reads easier than Golden Compass but as for overall understanding of the plot, Golden Compass is much more comprehensible. I have no idea what the fuck is going on in American Gods. My roommate was like, "Oh man, so wtf was up with that chick eating that guy with her vajayjay!?" And I'll just be like WTF are you talking about?? because I totally missed it. I'm not really enjoying it but I don't want to give up!
Dec. 13th, 2007 05:00 am (UTC)
Yeah, I... had no idea what was happening in that book. I stuck it out, but it killed any desire I had to read Anansi Boys :-(
Dec. 12th, 2007 06:26 am (UTC)
I'd rather just not have the constant reminder. And other times I almost get offended if others aren't constantly thinking about it, like if someone says they had a crappy day or need to be cheered up, I think, "yeah, I bet your day really sucked, poor baby" and then I feel like a self-absorbed asshole.

I TOTALLY know how you feel. When my aunt passed away, I had the exact same feelings. I didn't want the constant reminders that she was gone, but at the same time, I didn't want anyone to forget about her and all the things she meant to me. Granted, we didn't live in the same house, but she was very much a parental figure to me. My friends treated me weird too, they knew she was like a second mom to me, so for a while, it was a lot of "how are you coping? Are you alright? Do you need to talk?" ALL - THE - DAMN - TIME. I was like, "NO! I need to get away from it!"

Escapism is my coping mechanism with...pretty much everything and that's when I started getting heavy into drugs and drinking more often. I completely understand the feeling though, even though the person I lost wasn't as close.

On a completely different note, I loved American Gods. It was a really enjoyable and challenging read. Gaiman is one of my absolute favourite authors.
Dec. 12th, 2007 06:45 am (UTC)
I just feel like a completely unappreciative bitch because I know that everyone is just trying to help me and make me feel better, but I can't help these thoughts of they're just doing it to make themselves feel better and all the irritation. Why does grieving always have to be so complicated?

It's definitely challenging! I'm still plugging away at it... I have no idea what the fuck is really going on, but I'm hoping I'll catch on by the end of the book. :)
Dec. 12th, 2007 10:54 am (UTC)
<3 We just all love you so much...l must think about you nearly every minute - but I guess the outpouring of love that has come lets you know that his memory will live on. Despite the tragedy, I know personally I have done a lot of reflecting on life - what it all means, where I am, how I treat others, and where I want to be, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. So I guess the love he had for you has become the love everyone who loves you wants to share with the world.
I know it's all small condolense and prolly makes little sense as my brain wakes up this morning, but I do love you and will do anything I can to help...
Dec. 12th, 2007 02:33 pm (UTC)
I know, dear, and I love you too. <3
Dec. 12th, 2007 12:13 pm (UTC)
I'm definitely praying for you darling. It's tough, and after I lost my grandmother I felt similar emotions, but I can't imagine losing someone that close to me. It just takes time, and tears to get through something like this. I'd keep all those wonderful people really close :]
Dec. 12th, 2007 02:39 pm (UTC)
I don't think I could push all those wonderful people away if I tried... they wouldn't let me. :)
Dec. 12th, 2007 12:35 pm (UTC)
See and I feel like a huge bitch even mentioning my dad and his antics now. But like, at the same time, I know you don't like being asked if you're okay 4gajillion times over. So. Usually I just go with attempts at distraction. Such as singing the entire production of Rent via LJ comments. Heh.
Dec. 12th, 2007 01:29 pm (UTC)
Yeah, and um having to leave on Friday to go back to NY to see my dad made me feel like the biggest ass ever. Any happiness I feel now makes me feel guilty, and any sadness makes me feel like a jerk because seriously, my boyfriend possibly breaking up with me can't possibly compare to what Laura's feeling. I wish I were in CT more so as to provide more distraction. And cookies.
Dec. 12th, 2007 02:38 pm (UTC)
No no, you should not be going through these intense emotions, too. Don't ever feel like a jerk or guilty for feeling happy or sad. I do wish you could be in CT more though (even though for someone who lives in NYC you are here a lot) and I <3 cookies.
Dec. 12th, 2007 07:39 pm (UTC)
Dec. 12th, 2007 02:40 pm (UTC)
Yeah, distractions are definitely good.
Dec. 12th, 2007 02:07 pm (UTC)
Do you have to be taking your exams right now? Can't you get an extension or something? I'd say you have a good enough reason. I don't think I'd be able to focus on school if I was in your shoes.
Dec. 12th, 2007 02:34 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I maybe have had better ideas than trying to do this but... I just want to get it over with.
Dec. 12th, 2007 08:39 pm (UTC)
I'm always home at 6, so feel free to call anytime on your way home! I know I'm not the same as your dad, but I'll listen!
Dec. 13th, 2007 02:20 am (UTC)
<3 Love you!
Dec. 13th, 2007 01:48 am (UTC)
Whatever you're feeling at any moment, that's what you're feeling. Sometimes I'm upset when someone makes a joke about shooting him/herself in the head because I think "How could that person be so insensitive??" Other times I'm grateful that other people don't have to carry this shit around in their heads all the time, and they can take me at face value without having to feel like they're walking on eggshells around me. You can't help what you feel, but it gets easier, and your emotions get more even.
Dec. 13th, 2007 02:22 am (UTC)
I hope so. I mean, not that sobbing in my car for 15 minutes in a parking lot after my exam today wasn't fun, but... it does make it hard to be a productive member of society sometimes.
Dec. 13th, 2007 02:33 am (UTC)
I would say I'm averaging one unexpected dad-related 5-minute outbreak of sobbing every 4 to 8 weeks these days. Not fun, but manageable. Although I do occasionally have the desire to spend one day as one of those totally crazy homeless people so I could just run up and down the street screaming nonsense at the top of my lungs and no one would say anything. It seems unfair that when you're sane, you have to be sane all the time.
Dec. 13th, 2007 01:59 am (UTC)
I got your Christmas card today. I got a kick out of it! Nicely done, and thank you. :)
Dec. 13th, 2007 02:22 am (UTC)
:D Glad you liked it!
( 23 beeps — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
nurse. leo. attention whore. punk rock princess. flexitarian. space case. deltasig. browncoat. fangirl. professional bridesmaid. lover. geek. only child. dreamer. former market researcher. aerialist. uconn husky. internet addict. twentysomething. enfp/j. crazy cat lady. gryffindor. bohemian. new england gangsta. democrat. narcissist. daughter. friend.

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