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I deny the tears in my eyes.

Sometimes I think about my dad and I can't even breathe.

I feel very manic these days, I'm either really hyper or I have like this chest crushing pain. I'm anxious or depressed. I feel like it's not that often, mainly only when I don't have anything going on and I find myself with more than ten minutes of free time to actually stop and think.

Right now I think I'm just sleep deprived (I haven't gotten more than two hours a night since Sunday) and I think I forgot to eat today, so I'm sure that's not helping matters.

Why can't I just let myself be comforted? Why am I so scared to let other people see that I am hurting? It's one thing to write a journal entry, but then in person I just shrug it off. I'm not fine. I'm not just tired. Sometimes I feel like I'm breaking.

I just... I guess I could really use a distraction right now. Please.

Comments

madrona
Nov. 9th, 2007 11:35 am (UTC)
Just want you to know, that in my onliney "we met through a fandom/who is this person" way, I'm here. *zenhugs* I'd be totally freaking out if it were one of my parents.

I'm guessing, and I may be way out of line, so ignore if it's unhelpful, but if it were me, I wouldn't want people to see me hurt because having the rest of the world respond to my pain would mean the situation was...irrevocably real, and bigger than me. You're not "doing it wrong". Just...please be kind to yourself.

As for distraction, Windows shopping is the best I can offer at the moment. They have Zathras/Zathras '08 lawn signs.
wolfsavard
Nov. 9th, 2007 03:04 pm (UTC)
*zenhugs back*

Yeah, it is so so hard to speak outloud what is wrong, because it really does make it that much more real.

And that store is brilliant! It made me giggle. :) I <3 cafe press.
nurse. leo. attention whore. punk rock princess. flexitarian. space case. deltasig. browncoat. fangirl. professional bridesmaid. lover. geek. only child. dreamer. former market researcher. aerialist. uconn husky. internet addict. twentysomething. enfp/j. crazy cat lady. gryffindor. bohemian. new england gangsta. democrat. narcissist. daughter. friend.

just me.

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