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I deny the tears in my eyes.

Sometimes I think about my dad and I can't even breathe.

I feel very manic these days, I'm either really hyper or I have like this chest crushing pain. I'm anxious or depressed. I feel like it's not that often, mainly only when I don't have anything going on and I find myself with more than ten minutes of free time to actually stop and think.

Right now I think I'm just sleep deprived (I haven't gotten more than two hours a night since Sunday) and I think I forgot to eat today, so I'm sure that's not helping matters.

Why can't I just let myself be comforted? Why am I so scared to let other people see that I am hurting? It's one thing to write a journal entry, but then in person I just shrug it off. I'm not fine. I'm not just tired. Sometimes I feel like I'm breaking.

I just... I guess I could really use a distraction right now. Please.


( 10 beeps — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
Nov. 9th, 2007 11:35 am (UTC)
Just want you to know, that in my onliney "we met through a fandom/who is this person" way, I'm here. *zenhugs* I'd be totally freaking out if it were one of my parents.

I'm guessing, and I may be way out of line, so ignore if it's unhelpful, but if it were me, I wouldn't want people to see me hurt because having the rest of the world respond to my pain would mean the situation was...irrevocably real, and bigger than me. You're not "doing it wrong". Just...please be kind to yourself.

As for distraction, Windows shopping is the best I can offer at the moment. They have Zathras/Zathras '08 lawn signs.
Nov. 9th, 2007 03:04 pm (UTC)
*zenhugs back*

Yeah, it is so so hard to speak outloud what is wrong, because it really does make it that much more real.

And that store is brilliant! It made me giggle. :) I <3 cafe press.
Nov. 9th, 2007 01:24 pm (UTC)
I'm here too. And so are about 8,000 other people because you are clearly the most loved girl ever. You are also the strongest person I know even if you don't always believe it, but it's hard for even the strongest people to keep all their worries inside. You have a lot of great friends who will always be there to listen (or provide distraction) when you need us. *hugs*
Nov. 9th, 2007 02:38 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Can't wait to see you tomorrow!
Nov. 9th, 2007 02:23 pm (UTC)

hugs, laura :)

<3 jes
Nov. 9th, 2007 02:35 pm (UTC)
haha Thanks. I <3 cat macroes. :)

Nov. 9th, 2007 04:17 pm (UTC)
Not great with distractions, unless it's spider solitaire, so I can't offer much there...

I will say that you are NOT pathetic, and when you find that you are ready to talk, you will find so many people willing to listen.

Nov. 9th, 2007 04:52 pm (UTC)
*hugs* And spider solitaire is fantastic.
Nov. 9th, 2007 11:47 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry love. Just know that I am always here - and will be there in person tomorrow. You are so strong and capable that I know you can and will take care of yourself - but I'll be there with hugs and jugs of sangria for an ample distraction. I love you Laura.

<3 Meg

Ps- I rhymed. That in itself could offer some cheering up!
Nov. 10th, 2007 02:28 am (UTC)
Re: the not sleeping - have you tried taking anything? I don't want to push drugs on you if you're not comfortable with that, but taking a non-prescription pill two or three nights in a row really helped me sometimes. It's really amazing how much better I could cope when I could focus (and if nothing else, it's 7-8 fewer hours you have to be awake dealing with shit). Additionally, I recommend bubble baths. I hadn't had one in like 18 years before last year and I was so missing out.

(edited to add a more comforting icon)

Edited at 2007-11-10 02:29 am (UTC)
( 10 beeps — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
nurse. leo. attention whore. punk rock princess. flexitarian. space case. deltasig. browncoat. fangirl. professional bridesmaid. lover. geek. only child. dreamer. former market researcher. aerialist. uconn husky. internet addict. twentysomething. enfp/j. crazy cat lady. gryffindor. bohemian. new england gangsta. democrat. narcissist. daughter. friend.

just me.

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