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Well, I'm extremely overdue for a journal entry, and I've been meaning to write for quite some time now, yet I haven't. I've no excuse for not having updated except for my own laziness. My days are generally spent sleeping until noon, watching TLC, going to work or class, then playing AOL games and reading until I can no longer keep my eyes open. But I feel like a lot has happened in the past few weeks, so much that I'm not even really sure where to start...

I've been thinking about the future a lot, mostly where the heck I'm going to be come May. I've been trying to figure out whether or not I should graduate, if I can get the classes I need to graduate (a few long nights have been devoted to figuring out that little puzzle only to find it depends entirely on the mercy of getting permission numbers from the COMM and MKTG departments), and if I do graduate, what the heck I'm going to do with myself. I feel like I'm behind on the whole process of transitioning from college to the real world. I was going with the 5 year plan, so I wasn't overly concerned with looking into employment or what I actually wanted to do, or internships, or job fairs, or any of that nonsense. Feeling behind in that sense is pretty stressful on it's own, without worrying if I can even get the right classes to graduate. I can technically graduate in May with a bachelor in Marketing and a minor in Communications, but it relies entirely on getting a specific combination of classes. I have it figured out I think, and really it all depends on whether or not I can get a permission number for a W class in COMM or MKTG for this semester. It also depends on them not changing around the already posted schedule of class for the spring. If they do, needless to say I'm screwed. Let's not even consider that though. As for an internship, I actually just got an email from the woman in charge of the marketing internship at Buckland Hills and she was asking if I was interested in a position for the fall. I told her that was, and again I would be able to work it with my newly anticipated schedule if all goes as planned, and having that extra money would certainly be incredible. But, there's a small matter of the fact that I believe I recall her mentioning a drug test when I interviewed for the summer. Normally I wouldn't blink twice at that, but well, this past Wednesday Val and Ben and I had a bit of fun with some brownies. Definitely an awesome time, and I could not believe how high I was. It was a pretty great feeling, but the cotton mouth was wretched. And so would not passing a drug test and then not getting this internship. My plan is to just drink lots of water and cranberry juice. Does anyone else have any other suggestions or know exactly how long pot stays in your system? I've heard everything from 2 days to 11 weeks... heh.

So in an ideal world, I'll get this internship and the classes I want for next semester. I'm not so sure I'll be that lucky though, because I feel like all my luck has been used up already. Yeah, after hearing that my financial situation had been reviewed and the university decided that didn't qualify me for any more financial aide, I went down to their office and spoke with a counselor personally. She did a rapid loan denial for my mom which got me another $5,000 loan in my name (just what I need), and told me she'd ask them to review my situation again. I hadn't heard anything as of Tuesday, and seeing as my fee bill was due on the 1st, I decided to go back to Wilbur Cross and see if I could get a deferrment. Well, getting a deferrment was a big fat no, so I decided to ask to speak to a financial aide counselor again in the hopes that I wouldn't have to beg my dad for a $2,600 check by Friday. Well, it turned out that they had reviewed my situation again, and the university decided to not only change one of my $5,000 unsubsidized loans to a subsidized loan, but they also gave me $4,400 in grants! I definitely almost started crying when the woman told me; I know she was taken off guard by the tears welling up in my eyes as I thanked her. But yeah, so that means instead of me oweing the university $2,600 for this semester, I have a $47.75 credit to my fee bill! So that definitely makes my financial situation look a lot better, but I definitely don't feel like I can do this for another year after this. I'll have over $30,000 in student loans... I just don't think I can do $40,000. Realistically, these credit card bills are not going away anytime soon, and neither is my car payment. That's an assload of debt to have when I graduate, especially considering I will absolutely not allow myself to move back home. I can't, and I just won't. I'd rather live in a box somewhere I think. Anywhere, actually, but there.

It's the anywhere part that I've been thinking about a lot. I am honestly considering a few options. The most logical and boring (and sadly most likely) is try to get some sort of job around here and stay in CT. Another options is try to get something with Limited Too corporate. As much as I bitch and moan about Limited Too, it's just the shitty pay and bad hours, which is really only a problem if you're a pion like I am. I've been trying to work out my schedule for the spring so that I could maybe work as an assistant manager. One of our store managers should be going on maternity leave come March, so there could be an opening. I think I could probably only work it out part time, though, so I'd have to see if they'd actually work with me on that. But working for LTD2 corporate would most likely mean moving out to Ohio. I really liked it out there, so I'm not opposed to that idea. I'm not sure I have the balls to move half way across the country on my own, but I'm definitely considering it a probable option. I've actually been considering it for a while, only recently more seriously, but it's always been a thought in the back of my mind. The last option I've been playing with, actually only came up a few days ago after my Persuasion class. Let me just say that I really love that class; it is so interesting and my professor is awesome. I'm doing pretty well in the class, too, and my professor seemed impressed with the 95 I got on the midterm. I was actually disappointed and wanted a 100 (it was open book, multiple choice... give me a break, people!) and am fairly determined to get one on the final exam. But yeah, I spoke with my professor after class, and was correcting one of the examples he used in class. He said that "pelle" was Italian for "apple" when in fact it means "skin". Well, it came up that I was an Italian major and we got to talking about Italy and such, and he said that I should keep in touch and if I ever need a job or anything, he's got a lot of connections out there! So then that got me thinking... why not? If I could do an internship or maybe even live over there for a while when I graduate, that could be so awesome. After that I could maybe go back to school somewhere for a MBA or something. I don't see Italy as anything permanent, but that would just be so exciting. But of course, I see that being expensive. And taking a lot of courage I'm not sure I have. Not to mention a lot of language skills I know I don't have. My language skills won't be getting any better either since with my new and improved class schedule, I'll be cutting all of my Italian credits, or at least all the ones that require actual use of the language. I probably would've failed them anyway, but my pathetic italian skills certainly won't improve. So that means I'd really have to work on that on my own. I'm still planning on taking Italian history next semester and I think there's a LTL component for that so hopefully that will fit somehow in my already jam packed schedule. I would love to not suck at Italian. So yeah, I might talk to my professor about that and figure out how real of a possibility that is. Of course, that being the case I know I'd have to actually start saving money, which I'm in no position to be doing with the amount of bills I have, but I think I can manage at least to stop spending it. But that's not really anything new.

Hopefully with in the next few weeks I'll at least have next semester figured out. I just wish I could've known any of this a few years ago. It's the fact that I didn't make me wonder why I even bother planning anything now. Life changes so quickly and so unexpectedly and things come up. Even though it's probably one of my least favorite phrases in the entire english language, I really do feel like that when it comes to life you kind of have to "play it by ear". And I realize that's kind of what I've been doing lately. Everytime I actually try to plan anything, it doesn't come out the way I want it to, and I get disappointed. So I gave up on planning. But I need to draw the line between having an exact plan and setting goals. If I don't set goals, I'm going to keep living in the moment, and therefore limiting my future. I need to get on track with my life and really start being more pro-active. I need to take charge and stop being a victim of fate and my crappy ass luck. Is there a pill out there that would make me have more self control and make me more goal-oriented? That'd be really awesome. It'd also be awesome if that pill made you pass drug tests.

In other news, it was Kristina's birthday on Tuesday, and Amie's birthday yesterday, and mine is coming up on Wednesday, and god I feel old. I don't think I'm ready to be a grown up, despite all this talk of graduating and the future and such. I'm scared. Like maybe it's all downhill from here. I just felt like turning 21 would never come, and here it is half a week away. I'm excited because that's going to be a fucking awesome weekend, but at the same time I just feel like I'm not ready. I guess I just figured that by 21 I would maybe have more things figured out. I figured I would know what I want to do with my life. I would've figured out who the hell I am, which I'm not really sure I even have a clue about sometimes. I figured I would have a better understanding of the world and of other people. But my understanding of the world around me and other people is constantly growing. Like, for example, I learned recently that some people despite how much you try to get them to see your point of view, or even a rational logical point of view for that matter, it just won't happen. I guess I learn more about myself all the time, too. Like I realized how overly dramatic I come across in my journal sometimes, and that really just must appear insane to people at times, or at least to people who don't know me well enough that is. But really my journal needs to be taken with a grain of salt because I usually only write when I'm upset and need an outlet, so usually you're reading the most extreme of my emotions, and then written more poetically for effect. I should probably start being more careful about what I write in here. But yeah... it's really late now. I have to get up really early (to work! :-P) tomorrow and should probably get a few hours of sleep. Sorry this was so long, but really it could've been a lot longer but I'll spare you guys and save anything else for another night when I don't have to be at work in 7 hours. Later, skaterz.



( a very loud beep — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
Aug. 9th, 2004 10:17 am (UTC)
wow long entry...couldnt even read it all...Happy Pre-birthday...Im sure well be seeing you in September! Have fun and Gluck with school!
( a very loud beep — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
nurse. leo. attention whore. punk rock princess. flexitarian. space case. deltasig. browncoat. fangirl. professional bridesmaid. lover. geek. only child. dreamer. former market researcher. aerialist. uconn husky. internet addict. twentysomething. enfp/j. crazy cat lady. gryffindor. bohemian. new england gangsta. democrat. narcissist. daughter. friend.

just me.

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