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Oh shit, Christmas is how many days away??

But wait, it's not even technically winter yet? What day is it? What time is it? When was the last time I slept? Working graveyard shift fucks with your sense of time, kids. Don't do it.

Um, yeah, I know I haven't posted here in like a year, but it seems sort of sacrilege if I didn't give my LJ peeps a crack at getting some of my adorable holiday cards. I know I never post, and I don't read as often as I'd like to, but I do think of you all more than you know! I've gotten a few from you already (Thank you, msdillydally and wordsleadmeon! Yours are on their way!) so I'd like to return the favor. If anyone wants a holiday card, please comment on this post with your address ASAP! Comments are screened.

So, um, new years resolution... post in here more? I miss you all! (If you're all even still out there...) Later, skaterz!

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Maybe this time I can follow through...

Been meaning to do a recap post of 2010, and I just came across this meme that sweetbalm posted, so it seems like as good a method as ever to catch you up on my life.

Two-thousand-ten.Collapse )

I'm glad I did this, because really I had it in my head that 2010 was this terrible year full of loss and heartache and while there was a lot of that and I had a lot of loved ones who went through hard times, there was just as much good that happened this year. It just goes to show I need to write in here more often. It's therapeutic. But I think 2010 started on an exciting note (I passed the NCLEX and landed my dream job), had a challenging summer (lots of heartache and loss), and despite lots of stress with trying to deal with everything, it ended pretty fantastically (I met an incredible boy which is developing into a relationship I'm pretty excited about and I took an amazing trip to Florida).

As far as 2011 is concerned, it's been off to a slow start... I feel like I'm still trying to recover from the holidays and being sick for a week and digging out from one snowstorm after another. I've been slowly chipping away at my to-do list but I'm finding it hard to get motivated. This year I'd like to take better care of myself: eat better, exercise, and get more sleep. I want to grow as a nurse, too. I just signed up to take a test to become Oncology Certified and I'm taking a class in May to become a Reiki Master. I want to get more serious about trapeze, actually train like I mean it. I have a performance (that I keep growing more terrified for) on Feburary 5th and at the end of February I'm going to NECCA for trapeze teacher training. I want to finish out my 365 project and I also want to start scanning and archiving a lot of the old photos I've recovered from my mom's house. If I can stick to all those I'll be happy with myself. Okay, about that whole getting more sleep thing... Later, skaterz.
After working 65 hours last week, I had four days off in a row.

I slept... a LOT. I went to ballet, and trapeze, and my first modern class. I went grocery shopping (for the first time in like a month maybe) and actually cooked a meal. I brought things to the consignment shop, made beauty appointments for this weekend, got my necklace fixed, and mailed things I'd been meaning to mail for weeks.

And I didn't do a damn thing with my mom's house except clean out a drawer of pictures.

Can I blame the rain?

I'll um, yeah... I'll get to it. Ignoring it is just so much easier. *sigh*

Time for work. Later, skaterz.

PS - I have been eating more vegetables! The fortune cookie I got earlier this week read "Regenerate your system through diet and exercise. Save the cookies!" Haha, a little too spot on. Maybe that's what I've been trying to do this week... regenerate.
I'm finally sitting down and eating real food. I've consisted on nothing but cookies and candy for the past 24 hours. I'm pretty sure my hair is falling out and my skin is breaking out due to a severe vitamin deficiency from not having eating anything of substance lately. Actually, I had a date last night and I had some of the best salmon of my life, but other than that... yeah. Cookies and halloween candy. I should probably work on incorporating something other than simple carbohydrates into my diet. Grocery shopping would probably be a good start, but with working 65 hours this week, I haven't had much time. Hours I'm working next week? 12! Maybe I'll be able to accomplish something. Is it Sunday yet?

So, I've been feeling pretty nostalgic lately. I'm not sure what's spurred it, whether it's been going through my mom's house or reconnecting with people from my past, but I've been looking through old photos and reading old journal entries. (BTW, it's painful to read entries from like 2002. I sound like such an insipid idiot. I mean, I guess I was a teenager, but still. Am I going to read this entry 8 years from now and be appalled at what a fool I was? Ugh, probably.) I miss college and high school and hanging out with friends. We never just hang out anymore, it has to be like an *event* to get people together. We're all so busy. I miss spontaneous late night drives and trips to Denny's and just being ridiculous. Life, life is really good in so many ways right now that I'm not sure I'd really want to go back in time, but I really miss it. Maybe I just miss my friends. And I miss not having any kind of real responsibilities and partying every weekend... but we just had so much *fun*. I miss all the fun. I don't have enough fun in my life. Everything is seriousness and worrying about adult things. I want to have more fun.

So goal for October: More fun, less chocolate.

Wait, that doesn't sound good at all...!

Rephrase: More fun, more vegetables.

Yeah, that sounds better. "Less chocolate" is not a phrase that should be in anyone's vocabulary. Ever.

More fun, more vegetables. That's a doable goal for the month. In fact I just ate some snow peas, and last night was definitely a lot of fun (I actually can't stop thinking about how much fun last night was...), so I'd say I'm off to a good start. Going to my first Ren Faire tomorrow with jadziadaxwb and _mendon who I feel like I haven't seen in forever so I'm pretty excited. :-D Time to write some notes before my 6AM med pass. Later, skaterz.
I want to post, but I don't know that I have anything to say. Or maybe I just don't know what I want to say. So, I'm just going to ramble and maybe some of it will make sense, but that's unlikely because a) it's 3AM, b) I'm on a strict diet of cupcakes and cold medicine, and c) I've only slept about 3 hours in the past 36.

Life is short. There's a 35 year old woman on our floor tonight taking her last breaths. It's tragic and it's horrible and it could happen to any of us. My mom died a month ago today. (I can't believe it's been a month.) She was only 60, and the last 7 years of her life were lost to her due to her illness.

Life is short.

Life is short and I feel like I'm wasting it. Wasting precious time. I'm so lazy, lazy all the time. I don't do anything I should be doing. And it's not even good laziness, like instead of vacuuming I decide to read a good book on my porch. Because reading a good book when one should be vacuuming is definitely what life is all about. But I mean, I just lie around, half sleeping, watching television I'm only moderately interested in, mindlessly refreshing my various social networking pages. And I can't stand it, I can't stand a single second of it because I should be doing something. I should be working toward my dreams, doing something to work toward my goals, or at least should be spending my time being actively happy. Not just sitting around.

The more I sit around the more I just can't stand myself or my life. And I get stressed because that to-do list doesn't get any smaller. And more people contact me and I don't respond and then the list of people I am letting down just gets longer. And it's like the more sedentary and lazy I am the harder it is to do anything. And I just need to put a stop to it before it gets any more aggressive. (And I need to stop starting sentences with the word 'and'.)

So, right now I have a terrible cold. I feel like crap and have for a couple days now. I have a growing pile of tissues next to the keyboard, and my nose is about to fall off, because let me tell you the hospital toiletries are indeed made of shards of glass and sandpaper. I can't go to trapeze in the morning, and I shouldn't. I need to get better because I need to not feel like shit when I'm actually motivated to get off my lazy ass. So when I get out of here in 4 hours I'm going to bed. I'm sleeping as long as my body needs me to sleep, and then I'm done with this pathetic existence I've been getting on with.

Seize the day, people. Carpe diem.

It's trite, I know, but damnit... life is short.

Okay, I'm done rambling and my 4AM meds aren't going to dispense themselves. Later, skaterz.

Obituary

BITTNER, Victoria M. Victoria Mary Bittner, of South Windsor, passed away Thursday, (August 12, 2010) in her home. She was born in Hartford to the late Victor and Virginia Lach Humlicek. Vicki was a communicant of St. Francis of Assisi Church in South Windsor where she was a member of the parish council and volunteered her time and talents teaching CCD and working with the Social Action Committee, which included devoting many hours at the Immaculate Conception Shelter in Hartford. She completed her undergraduate degree at the University of Connecticut and in 1984 received a Masters degree in Accounting from the University of Hartford. Vicki later went on to become the first female partner of BlumShapiro in West Hartford. Vicki leaves a daughter, Laura Bittner of Manchester; two sisters, Nancy Humlicek of South Windsor and Deborah Werner and her husband Daniel of Vernon; two nephews, Dan Werner and Eric Werner both of Vernon; and her nurse aide, Yvonne Bennett, who became like a member of the family. She also leaves several aunts, uncles and cousins. A Mass of Christian burial will be celebrated at 10 AM, Tuesday August 17, 2010 at St. Francis of Assisi Church, 673 Ellington Rd. in South Windsor with burial following at Mount St. Benedict Cemetery in Bloomfield. There will be no public calling hours and friends are asked to gather directly at church. Arrangements have been entrusted to Samsel & Carmon Funeral Home, 419 Buckland Rd., South Windsor, CT 06074. In lieu of flowers, please make memorial donations to the American Heart Association , 1 Union St., Suite 301, Robbinsville, NJ 08691-4183.To send online notes of condolence, please visit www.carmonfuneralhome.com.
Published in The Hartford Courant on August 14, 2010

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Such a charming, beautiful exterior.

Yesterday my ballet instructor told me I have a beautiful body for ballet, and beautiful feet for ballet, and said as soon as I felt ready I could do pointe. It made me so happy to hear all that! I am so excited to have found this class. I love it. I have missed ballet for over a decade now. Quitting is one of a small handful of regrets I have in life, but now I'm doing something about it. But yeah, I wanted a record of her saying that, I wish I could have a recording so I could play it over and over again. <3

So yeah, that is new. And I got a tumblr: wolfsavard.tumblr.com. I mostly use it to post the 365 photo project I've been working on (taking a photograph every single day) and as an outlet for my emo catharsis. Apparently facebook can't handle my emo without people getting very concerned. So now I'll just go emotionally cut in some other corner of the internet where I won't bother people. But yeah, if you have a tumblr, let's be friends!

I'm doing okay though, it was just a rough patch, and it'll go away. Unless of course it doesn't. But here's hoping.

Okay, I have some mad errands to run because nothing got accomplished last week due to working 60 hours, and I'm essentially leaving on vacation for a week on Saturday. Busy! But, busy is good. Later, skaterz.
I don't sleep anymore. I mean, not really. Sure, I lie in bed at night, I close my eyes. Sometimes I even pass out, maybe around 3AM or so, only to wake up a few hours later, usually feeling disoriented and unrested.

And I have nightmares. Terrible and vivid nightmares. Nightmares about trachs and chemo and about people being horrible, or dying. And they're so real, sometimes it takes a while to wake up from them. On Father's Day, the morning after I found out my favorite patient had passed, I just kept hitting the snooze button, thinking that if I just kept hitting it, eventually I'd wake up to a different reality and they'd all be alive again.

Of course, sometimes the nightmares aren't nightmares at all, but they're incredible wonderful dreams, equally as vivid, but amazing. But therein waking up becomes the nightmare when I realize it was all just a dream.

I don't want to sleep anymore, like even try. What's the point? I hate going to bed. I hate waking up. Sleep, when it comes, is terrifying. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't wait to switch to the night shift because maybe, when it's light out, climbing into bed alone won't be so painful.

I have to be at work in 4 hours. Later, skaterz.

I am too weak to be your cure.

I wanted to post tonight, but I now have a headache that's absolutely unbearable and I can't really see straight. I think my eyes are exhausted from all the crying I've done today.

What I will say, is I have some pretty amazing friends, and I wish I was in any shape to appreciate you all as much as you deserve to be appreciated. I love you.

I have to get up in four hours. I wish I could just sleep until all of this doesn't hurt anymore.




It just wasn't the best week to lose my first patient.




This just sucks so much. I hate the unfairness of the universe.
I've been doing a lot of driving lately.  And a lot of listening to music.  And some songs are just resonating with me, and I keep listening to them over and over again.  So, I made you a mixtape.

1. Fallin' For You - Colbie Caillat
2. Time After Time - Quietdrive
3. You're So Last Summer - Taking Back Sunday
4. Come On Get Higher - Matt Nathanson
5. It Takes A Little Time - Amy Grant
6. Butterfly - Jason Mraz
7. Such Great Heights - Iron & Wine
8. Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional
9. Wonderwall - Oasis
10. Hurricane - Something Corporate
11. The Only Exception - Paramore
12. Rough Draft - Yellowcard
13. I Wanna Be With You - Mandy Moore
14. One - Glee Cast
15. True - Ryan Cabrera
16. Whataya Want From Me - Adam Lambert
17. A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz

Yeah, sometimes I'm an 18 year old girl, and sometimes that's not the end of the world. Here's the link. I hope they all work, especially since many of them I downloaded from iTunes. If not, well, sorry. They were free to you anyway. :)

Because I'm obsessed with song lyrics... here are some highlights.Collapse )

So, I apparently have to get up pretty early tomorrow if I want to accomplish a fraction of what I had planned. How did my day off get so busy? Boo! Later, skaterz.

Tags:

nurse. leo. attention whore. punk rock princess. flexitarian. space case. deltasig. browncoat. fangirl. professional bridesmaid. lover. geek. only child. dreamer. former market researcher. aerialist. uconn husky. internet addict. twentysomething. enfp/j. crazy cat lady. gryffindor. bohemian. new england gangsta. democrat. narcissist. daughter. friend.

just me.

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