?

Log in

No account? Create an account

previous breakdown | next breakdown

Two years gone.

I woke up on this day two years ago, I was getting ready to go back to work after having been off for a week, sitting at my father's death bed. He hadn't passed yet... the doctor's gave him three days, and now we were going on day ten, but I felt guilty for having been out so long. So I figured I'd go back, that it wasn't doing any good just waiting. Then I got the phone call saying he had finally passed. I still regret that I wasn't there when it happened, but I think he wanted it that way. I think he waited until he was alone... that's just kind of how he was. Very private.

So it's been two years and I feel like life really hasn't gotten any easier. I mean, it's not like I haven't gone on living, or I can't function on a daily basis, but it's just like there's always this emptiness weighing on me. It sucks sometimes more than others...like milestones. Big milestones kind of suck. Like I was so excited when I got into nursing school, but then immediately sad that I couldn't share it with him. I imagine graduation in 10 days will be much the same.

Maybe I don't really feel like going through any more milestones without him, so that's why instead of doing starting the massive assessment and care plan I have due tomorrow, I'm baking. Yes, I am Izzie Stevens.

Last night I was at the hospital where he died for an educational program. That was the first time I'd been back there, and it was weird, but not that hard. Today I've got clinical on the oncology floor. Sunday there was a patient dying of renal cell carcinoma (my dad's cancer) and I hope I don't come across that patient. I just hope my shift today is therapeutic and not painful. But yeah... I should do some work... or some more baking. Sorry for all the gloom lately, but I swear not looking for a pity party. Later, skaterz.

Comments

( 23 beeps — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
lyndasty
Dec. 3rd, 2009 03:01 pm (UTC)
*hugs* You are such a brave person. Don't forget that. I'm sure your dad is so very proud of you because you, m'dear, are fantastic.

Mental note: You get a card for graduating AND a Christmas card. I would send you cupcakes but, well, I'm not sure they'd survive the attempt.
wolfsavard
Dec. 5th, 2009 05:31 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
jadziadaxwb
Dec. 3rd, 2009 03:11 pm (UTC)
<3
wolfsavard
Dec. 5th, 2009 05:31 pm (UTC)
<3
sloppy_drunk
Dec. 3rd, 2009 03:12 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
wolfsavard
Dec. 5th, 2009 05:32 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Thank you.
firynze
Dec. 3rd, 2009 03:47 pm (UTC)
*hugs you tight*

I have nothing to say, other than that I love you, and I'm here for you. Hold tight, sweetie.
wolfsavard
Dec. 5th, 2009 05:33 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Thank you.
athena2483
Dec. 3rd, 2009 05:27 pm (UTC)
I love you.
wolfsavard
Dec. 5th, 2009 05:33 pm (UTC)
I love you! I can't wait to see you soon.
frayedgray
Dec. 3rd, 2009 06:41 pm (UTC)
i dont know the right words to say
i don't think we can _entirely_ get over things like these - it'll be shocking if we do. but the hurt lets you remember him, and i hope the memories will keep you going for the strength he has been for you. i think that pain can only be managed and not removed ... and if baking is your way of making it sit obediently in the corner and not take over your whole life, GO AHEAD :) no such thing as too much baked stuff.

this sounds cheesy and may have been a result of too many disney renaissance movies but, for me, if i imagine/believe someone is beside me/with me, it kind of helps a little to live for the person.

♥ stay strong, for him
wolfsavard
Dec. 5th, 2009 05:37 pm (UTC)
Re: i dont know the right words to say
Thank you. :) I am gonna do so much baking this week it's gonna be crazy..!
shayrena
Dec. 3rd, 2009 08:16 pm (UTC)
*hugs hugs hugs*
After typing and deleting things in here, I think everything I could say sounds pretty stupid. So I'll just hug you some more.
{HUGS}
wolfsavard
Dec. 5th, 2009 05:34 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Hugs are good. :)
clarkdreams
Dec. 3rd, 2009 09:40 pm (UTC)
<3 <3 <3
wolfsavard
Dec. 5th, 2009 05:34 pm (UTC)
<3
frankdbunny
Dec. 4th, 2009 02:11 am (UTC)
*hugs*
wolfsavard
Dec. 5th, 2009 05:34 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
phoenix39
Dec. 4th, 2009 02:58 am (UTC)
I can't imagine what you're going through. I don't even know what to say. Just know that I'm here for you. *HUGS TIGHT*
wolfsavard
Dec. 5th, 2009 05:35 pm (UTC)
Thank you. *hugs*
(Deleted comment)
wolfsavard
Dec. 5th, 2009 05:35 pm (UTC)
Agreed. Thank you for the reminder. :)
daydreamer
Dec. 5th, 2009 02:32 am (UTC)
<3
wolfsavard
Dec. 5th, 2009 05:36 pm (UTC)
<3
( 23 beeps — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
nurse. leo. attention whore. punk rock princess. flexitarian. space case. deltasig. browncoat. fangirl. professional bridesmaid. lover. geek. only child. dreamer. former market researcher. aerialist. uconn husky. internet addict. twentysomething. enfp/j. crazy cat lady. gryffindor. bohemian. new england gangsta. democrat. narcissist. daughter. friend.

just me.

Latest Month

November 2012
S M T W T F S
    123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
252627282930 

Tags

Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow