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I hate this.

Sometimes it just hits me like a ton of bricks, like this intense wave of sadness that just consumes me. And out of nowhere I'll burst into tears, even if I was just fine a minute earlier.

There are times when I think I've accepted the fact that he's gone, reasoned with it and not so much made sense of it, but made peace with it. And there are times like this when I wonder if I've even come close to that, when I feel like I've been living in denial for the last 11 months, that I've pushed it all to the back of my mind. It's not that I don't think about it. I do, all the time, but I don't think I really ever contemplate just how not there he's going to be for the rest of my life. I don't think I can because that's when I shut down and can barely even breathe.

Maybe it's denial, but maybe it's self preservation, but whatever it is, it's so lonely. I just feel so incredibly alone sometimes. Don't tell me I'm not alone, DON'T. I know I'm surrounded by amazing friends, you don't need to remind me of that. I know you're all there and I love you for it, just don't tell me I'm not feeling what I'm feeling because then I'll have to smile and be placating and thank you for reminding me I'm not alone. And I don't want to do that, because I feel all alone and if you're just going to remind me that I'm not, it just makes me feel worse about how I'm feeling, so just don't.

Yes, the timestamp on this is accurate. And I think I'm just not going to bed. It feels like the only way I might be a productive member of society tomorrow, as ironic and backwards as it sounds. It's just a few emails I've been meaning to send and a few tasks I've been meaning to accomplish, and if I can just do those tomorrow I know I'll feel so much better. Maybe I can erase how miserable these last two days have been. I just need to shake how I'm feeling right this very moment, but I don't know how.

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Comments

( 25 beeps — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
lyndasty
Nov. 12th, 2008 09:53 am (UTC)
I'm not gonna tell you that you're not alone. I'm not even gonna tell you that I know how you feel because I don't. I do know what it's like to have this overwhelming sadness come crashing down around you without any provocation.

I haven't lost a parent so I don't know what that feels like. Well, I kinda have...my dad's partner, Timmy, was like my second dad and he died in 1991. Even now, I swear I see things or hear things and still think I should remember it to tell Timmy.

I love you very much, darlin. *hugs* And don't you forget it. *more hugs* (And I KNOW I'm not the only one around here who loves you...)
wolfsavard
Nov. 12th, 2008 09:29 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
lyndasty
Nov. 13th, 2008 01:09 am (UTC)
*hugs hugs and more hugs*
justa_paperbag
Nov. 12th, 2008 11:14 am (UTC)
I don't know who you're talking about, but I'm sorry you're hurting.

If you ever need to talk, my e-mail address is kyle.michaud@gmail.com and my AIM screen name is indieguyky.

I hope this passes for you, soon.
justa_paperbag
Nov. 12th, 2008 11:16 am (UTC)
EDIT: I just saw the tag and the above comment. :(

I lost someone close to me a few years back (almost six, to be exact...) and it kills me
wolfsavard
Nov. 12th, 2008 09:30 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
onetimebeloved
Nov. 12th, 2008 12:16 pm (UTC)
reminder that i love you,very much so, and i wrote you something that ill give to you sunday. <3 i realize i can't sympathize, so it's not in my place to tell you that you're not alone, but i am deeply, deepply, deeply empathizing for you. <3 <3 stay strong, because I have so much faith in you!
wolfsavard
Nov. 12th, 2008 09:30 pm (UTC)
<3
jadziadaxwb
Nov. 12th, 2008 02:47 pm (UTC)
<3 <3
wolfsavard
Nov. 12th, 2008 09:31 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
faithchan
Nov. 12th, 2008 04:02 pm (UTC)
You're allowed to be miserable from time to time; I mean, last I checked, you ARE human. In fact, I think that means yer SUPPOSED to feel like shit occasionally.

You lost your dad, and that's not going to stop sucking, no matter how much time passes. When you get married, get your dream job, have a child, and a million other things, you WILL think "I wish he could have been here to see this." When you have a rough day, you'll still wish he could be there. BUT: As sad, hurt, and alone as it might make you feel for a minute, an hour, a day, that intense emotion will fade (until the next time it flares up), and you will be OK with feeling loved again.

We always wanna make our friends feel better, of course; but sometimes what someone needs is to feel like hell, because IT'S HUMAN TO FEEL THAT WAY, not a fucking sin or something to feel guilty about. So if you ever want internetz cheering, we'll be here. But it's OK if ye just wanna feel like poo for a little while, too.
wolfsavard
Nov. 12th, 2008 09:33 pm (UTC)
Thank you. *hugs*
dee_bloom218
Nov. 12th, 2008 05:21 pm (UTC)
*hugs as much as I can because it's all I can do*
wolfsavard
Nov. 12th, 2008 09:32 pm (UTC)
*hugs back*
dee_bloom218
Nov. 12th, 2008 11:16 pm (UTC)
:]
yourgravity
Nov. 12th, 2008 05:49 pm (UTC)
I can't even imagine what you're feeling. Though, I do think that it's okay to feel that way, and that sometimes you just have to hit those low moments to even reach back up to being level. Pushing aside what you're feeling, or feeling like you have to pretend that you're okay isn't healthy. At least if you can breathe through these rough, darkest times you'll know you survived them, and you gave yourself permission to be not okay for awhile.

Anyway, I dunno really what to say, but I wish there was something I could do to help. :/
wolfsavard
Nov. 12th, 2008 09:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
yourgravity
Nov. 25th, 2008 02:11 am (UTC)
Welcome! :)
forwardish
Nov. 13th, 2008 12:52 am (UTC)
*sends love*
wolfsavard
Nov. 13th, 2008 01:21 am (UTC)
Thank you. *hugs*
(Deleted comment)
wolfsavard
Nov. 13th, 2008 02:43 pm (UTC)
*hugs back*
athena2483
Nov. 13th, 2008 04:32 pm (UTC)
I'll give you a real hug on Thanksgiving, but for now this will have to do. *hugs*

My mom is making you vegetarian lasagna.

We love you.
wolfsavard
Nov. 13th, 2008 06:11 pm (UTC)
*hugs*

Your mom is awesome.
clarkdreams
Nov. 13th, 2008 11:57 pm (UTC)
Darling - I looove you! I may be joining the DeRosa Thanksgiving feista myself - I have a feeling there will be a whole lot of love there. *SUPER HUGS!*
wolfsavard
Nov. 14th, 2008 12:01 am (UTC)
Oooh, really!?
( 25 beeps — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
nurse. leo. attention whore. punk rock princess. flexitarian. space case. deltasig. browncoat. fangirl. professional bridesmaid. lover. geek. only child. dreamer. former market researcher. aerialist. uconn husky. internet addict. twentysomething. enfp/j. crazy cat lady. gryffindor. bohemian. new england gangsta. democrat. narcissist. daughter. friend.

just me.

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