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So I did do my marketing paper. But after finishing that and emailing it to my professor, I was so impressed with myself that I decided to take a break. And look at comforters and other furniture for the apartment that I still have yet to secure. And figure out what my possible final grades could be in just about every class I am taking. And each and every way they would effect my semester GPA. And I went back and read all my old journal entries. At least all the locked ones, which happen to be the ones that make me the saddest. So now I'm feeling a little depressed. It doesn't feel like Saturday. Or finals. I hate it when it just doesn't feel like anything. It makes me feel... I don't know, nothing. I guess I just like routine and there's nothing routine about finals, especially now that I don't have a job. I'm also not looking forward to moving out. It's going to be a lot of work. And even more work if all my stuff has to go all the way back to South Windsor. I want my apartment. And I will stop stressing about a LOT once I know I have it and know that I can just move right into it. I hope I'll be able to move right into it. Actually, I'm not going to rest or be sane until I can. I'm desperate. I'll do anything. I don't know why I want this so bad, I guess I really just want to be on my own. Everything just seems to be ending. I just want a good beginning for once, because I hate endings. I am so sad that Friends is going to be over. I am so sad that I'm not going to be living with Susan. Really just thinking about it makes my eyes sting with tears. And then there's everyone graduating, which I'm not really sure I go into depth typing about right here because I do not feel like crying right now. But I mean it's all over with them, many of them I won't ever see again, but I think part of me is still waiting for this big final goodbye that's never really going to happen. Or rather, already has. And one day I'm just going to realize that they're all gone, and I'm going to be crushed. Actually maybe I already am. I don't know... I'm not making any sense. I'm just kind of typing. I just want my apartment. And a job. And to pass my finals. And for life to be not so complicated. And I don't want one of those, I want all of those. Since when did being happy have to become so difficult. Why can't being happy just be EASY? Maybe then it just wouldn't be worth it. I think maybe I need to clear my mind or sleep or cry or... I don't know. But any kind of productive work I don't think is going to happen. Not immediately anyway. I don't think I have anything left to say, mainly because I don't even know what I've already said. Later, skaterz.

Comments

( a very loud beep — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
mapultoid
May. 1st, 2004 04:54 pm (UTC)
Anything worth having is worth fighting for. I am beginning to think that happiness in general hasn't managed to find a way out of this rule.



Ben
( a very loud beep — speeeeeaaaakkkkk )
nurse. leo. attention whore. punk rock princess. flexitarian. space case. deltasig. browncoat. fangirl. professional bridesmaid. lover. geek. only child. dreamer. former market researcher. aerialist. uconn husky. internet addict. twentysomething. enfp/j. crazy cat lady. gryffindor. bohemian. new england gangsta. democrat. narcissist. daughter. friend.

just me.

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